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You've been naughty throughout 2010. Therefore...

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This 2011, a Justice of the highest court will redefine the publishing industry.

From the author of the critically acclaimed novel How to Shit Justice 15 Minutes Before Lunch, the graphic novel I Put the Dick in Verdict and the groundbreaking novel What Plagiarism? comes the much anticipated manual of the decade...

Readers' reviews:

Houston, We Have a Problem

Random Jestoni Alarcon

If there is one person in this world who easily reminds me of the holiday season,

Jose Mari Chan. So I decided to put up a series of photos to accompany parts of the lyrics of one of his classic Christmas ballads. Here's the first verse of "A Perfect Christmas". Sing along!

♫ My idea of a perfect Christmas
is to spend it with you... ♫

♫ In a party or dinner for two
Anywhere would do... ♫

♫ Celebrating the yuletide season
Always lights up our lives... ♫

♫ Simple pleasures are made special too
When they're shared with you. ♫

Jestoni Alarcon. How random.

Pap Culture

In this comedy flick, Dolphy plays Fr. Jeremiah Jerome Montes, or Father Jejemon. He endears himself to the people of the fictitious town Parmbil because of his modern and offbeat ways. He plays rock music and organizes talent competitions. He even calls the members of his parish’s all-women group as the Lady Nga-Ngas, inspired by the pop singer Lady Gaga. Things take an interesting turn when the priest gets accused of child molestation. Dolphy, whose movie is up against other surefire block-busters in this festival, said he is not after topping the box-office. “Gusto ko lang masayahan ang manonood,” he declared. [Marinel Cruz, 12/09/2010 PDI Entertainment]

Shaving Private Ryan

Barber's Cut

Pogi

Over at Facebook

The Road to the Finals

Twice

Back then, there was "My pamily, my pamily". Now, there's "Major, major".

Sometimes, people repeat what they say to stress a point. In some other cases, they are just confused. Sometimes, people repeat what they say to stress a point. In some other cases, they are just confused.

Victims

The policeman took foreigners/tourists for hostage that morning. His brother came to his aid, or so he thought, and went nuts thereafter. All hell broke loose by 9pm. Before the night was over, people were dead, and so was the policeman. End of story? On the contrary, it's just the start of it. But before this turns into a sort of eulogy from an apologetic, I would just like to say:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

Don't we have enough cheese burgers in the world to make everybody happy? Why hostage foreigners? Why not Gloria instead? I'd be damn happy if that would have been the case. I'd even go there and scream, shoot the fucking bastard! Thrice! Using the same bullet!

Nah, I kid you. I'm not crazy enough to scream at a police officer with a rifle.

But I would not dare laugh at the incident that happened. It's not a joke, like when you say your neighbor is too old archaeologists have dug ancient Egyptian pottery in her vagina. No, it's not like that.

Again, here's a few moments of silence to the victims of the hostage crisis...

























and of course...

for Lito Lapid, my favorite. Again, he is just too Kusher.

Male Restroom Etiquette

[1] Extend a helping hand

When you're taking a piss and you see another guy enter the comfort room and walk towards the urinal, tell him "hey, I'm almost done. I can give you a hand with that." Then slowly extend your hand. And then smile. This, by far, is the most polite thing that a guy can do to another guy. It goes with the Christian spirit of giving. Jesus himself said, "what you do unto others, you do unto Me," or something like that. I'm sure Jesus would be happy if you help him take a piss.

[2] Smile

If you and the other fellow at the next cubicle suddenly make eye-contact [yes, it happens], give him a smile. Remember, a smile confuses an approaching frown.

[3] Make friends

While taking a piss, strike a conversation. For example...
You: Wow.
Random Stranger: Wow what?
You: *smile*
Random Stranger: *confused*
You: Can I add you in Facebook?

[4] Give everyone a hug

Self-explanatory.

Memory Lane

Here's a walk down memory lane:

I had a class the following day. Part of the ordeal, as with any other class, is to read the cases assigned. That evening, I searched one of the cases assigned through Google. Having found the link to the case, I read it thoroughly and was, in fact, delighted at the facts and how the court ruled. I read it thrice just to be sure that I understood what I read. It was a bit short than the other cases.

That night, I got a bit excited. I went "oh yeah I am so nailing this case for tomorrow's recitation," or something to that effect. I even imagined myself standing up slowly after getting called to recite the case, with a bright aura shining behind me and a divine chorus of angels playing in the background all the while. I was able to sleep eventually.

So the day came and it was time for class. The case I got excited with was the last case for the day's discussion. Almost two hours went by, the class was about to end, and I wasn't called yet. I thought to myself, "fuck yeah, call me, call me." But somebody else got called to recite the case. I got a bit frustrated, but hey, maybe it just wasn't my day.

And it really wasn't.

As my classmate was reciting the case, I thought, "what is that case?" To cut the chase, I realized I read the WRONG case. So much for the adrenaline rush.

Good News, Bad News

Video

Hey, I saw your video on the internet the other day.

Clear as Daylight

What I learned today in Property:

Mother of All Bills

My favorite former president who never was president in my record books is about to file the mother of all bills. Representative Gloria "Hello Garci" Macapagal-Arroyo will be filing a bill that seeks to criminalize drunk-driving. You are drunk and you drive, you're a criminal, and you will have to pay P100,000 plus 1 year in Bilibid, or any decrepit prison your drunk ass will land.

Question:

You're driving a lawn mower and you've had 10 bottles of beer. Does that count?

Flashback

Flashback.

Angelo Reyes. From top brass military officer to Department of Energy Secretary, to just about any other post that a bootlicker can handle. You gotta love this guy.

If I become President and he's still around, I'd appoint him as my Presidential Adviser on Presidential Advisers of Presidential Advisers.

Can't Unplug

Cruz v. Magdayao Case Digest

FACTS
Johnny Lord Cruz and Shiny Magdayao had sex. It was so good that Johnny's "male chicken" [i.e. cock] had a fit of rage, thereby causing it to grow larger than what it would have looked like on a normal day in normal sunlight. But that's not really the meat of the story. "Meat". Get it? Anyway, so there it was, Johnny's horrifying monster inside Shiny's cute little receptacle hammering its way to kingdom-come. There was not so much of a problem, until Johnny had to withdraw his cash from the bank, in a manner of speaking [what?]. Unfortunately for him, he could not pull the plug out of the socket, for the truck was too big to exit the gate [what?]. In spite of repeated demands, Johnny refused to exit. He was enjoying himself. Hence, Shiny filed this complaint for unlawful detainer against Johnny.

ISSUES
[1] Whether or not the complaint for unlawful detainer is the proper action.
[2] If unlawful detainer is the proper action, may the court grant the same?

HELD
[1] Unlawful detainer is the proper action.
[2] The court will refuse, as indeed it refuses, to grant the action.

RATIO
[1] For all intents and purposes, Johnny's "male chicken" [i.e. cock] had prior lawful possession of Shiny's cute little receptacle. His actual and physical and sexual possession of Shiny's God-knows-what became unlawful when he refused to vacate her God-knows-what upon the expiration of the "lease". Or whatever. Shiny had one year to avail of the action. Since it has only been 300 days after that fateful night, Shiny filed her complaint within the prescribed period. In fact, Johnny's "male chicken" [i.e. cock] is still inside the "cage" up to this very day.

[2] Even if unlawful detainer is the proper action, this court will refuse to grant the same. Why? Nothing really. This court will leave these two little fuckers in the same situation where we found them.

DECISION
Dismissed.

New SCRA

Starting 2011, SCRA volumes will be released in their new format. Behold, the new SCRA:

No Shit

Movie of All Movies

At the Barber Shop

He's the Man

Pussy

Sniff

An Open Letter

To the man whose name reminds me of a king with the golden touch,

Now that you've spoken in defense of your colleague and against my beloved faculty, I can only write down my sentiments but still mindful, though, of the respect your office commands. So let me say this:

With all due respect, I would like to staple a copy of the ponencia on your forehead. I sincerely hope that having a copy of the decision right in front of your pupils will make you realize that you really can't defend this anomaly. It's like protesting that you're already circumcised when you know that you're not even a boy. But if the good and bright gentleman is really itching to scratch the issue of plagiarism off the record books, thy will be done. You alone can help yourself. But let it not be forgotten that people have broken their bones, too, in fighting a losing battle. It's not bravery. It's bravado.

P.S.
Fuck you po :)

Ctrl+C Ctr+V

But

It Will

Not

Need Help

Tight

Planting

So the next time your teacher asks why you slept during class, tell her you were busy planting an idea.

Ms. Freshman

The crotch of one of the contestants for Ms. Freshman was all over the place. The crowd loved it for some reason. The college secretary was there, too, but I could not tell for certain if he shared the same enthusiasm about the sight. There was this part where the contestant squat atop the college secretary's table. For the college secretary, the contestant's balls must have looked like an excuse slip waiting to be signed, or stamped.

"I'll sign them, but you'll have to get them back tomorrow. Or I can just mail them to your inbox."

Gone

You don't know what you have until it's gone.

Cheer Up

Package

Lately, the professor has been repeatedly talking about two things. No, they no longer have anything to do with how the Viking warriors were fresh before they engaged in a sword fight, and how their swords could easily penetrate the flesh of man. Those naughty bastards.

One, he usually talks about his son who loved computers. Perhaps he is missing his family. And two, he insists that we use the computer in class each time he wants a definition of a term, or a brief summary of who did this and that, when and where, as if they have anything to do with Torts, or Damages.

Families and computers. I don't know, but I really want to seal my package and send it to him in a box. This package:

Nobody, as in Nobody

Facebook has more than 16 millions users. There are at least 32 million status updates in 24 hours. Somewhere in Facebook, Boy A wants Girl B, and Boy C wants Girl B, too. Somewhere in Facebook, Sister A wants to have Dog B, and Sister C wants Dog B, too. Facebook is a mess. If God happened to be reading all 32 million status updates daily, he'd resign.

Who's There?

Gramps

Here's the best advice that good ol' gramps can give all of us.

Kim Jong Il

Pick-up Lines

The easiest thing to spot is when a male lawyer hits on a female lawyer. Consider the following:

[Warning: Try them at your own risk boys]

[1] There's absolutely nothing illegal about your legs, which is why I've been taking judicial notice of them for the last five minutes.

[2] Lady, I swear by the grave of Oliver Wendell Holmes that those hips are a matter of transcendental importance. I'd stick a petition for a writ of habeas corpus on them any time of day.

[3] [Courtroom setting] Objection, your honor. The opposing counsel is too sexy for my party. I demand to see the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the naked truth. [And then he gets disbarred. What a loser.]

[4] God it must be too hot inside those jeans. I think I will have to file an urgent motion to intervene.

[5] You can't prosecute me for having an erection, can you? Can you? Can you? It's not illegal to have one right now.

The typical response from the female lawyer:
You know you have the right to remain silent. I'm sure you could use it right now.

Show Cause