Just Do It

What I learned today in Legal Profession:

Of course, lawyers need good manners. Surely, they need to be taught the right ways of saying and doing things apropos to legal proceedings. But sometimes judicial ethics can be so boring your ass will grow wrinkles just by trying to figure them out. Just look at the size of those wrinkles on this ass.

Thus, to save the population of attorneys from turning into globules of flesh hanging on to dear life from the rear, it's high time to teach them how to be bona fide lawyers.

When threatened with a lawsuit, don't say
"Sue me and I'll see you in court."
C'mon, that's like saying Homer Simpson wants a vagina for a dick. Rather, say
"You bet your goddamn ass I'll nail my motion to quash up your skinny posterior."

When raising an objection, don't say
"Objection your honor."
That's definitely for people who'd love to screw a tampon between their butt cheeks. Rather, say
"Your honor, what the fuck is that shit?!"

When challenging the evidence of your opponent, don't say
"That document is fabricated."
Bitch a court hearing is no time for laundry. Rather, say
"That document is so fuckin' beautiful I swear I'd smear my ass all over it."

When trying to intimidate your opponent, don't say
"Give up or lose."
That's retarded shit. Rather, say
"I'm going to roll up your ass like toilet paper and smoke it like cigars."

When cross-examining the witness to a rape case, don't ask
"How would you have felt if you were the victim?"
That's also retarded shit. Rather, ask
"How'd you like Marry Poppins shoot out of your orifice horizontally?"

When disagreeing with the opposing counsel, don't say
"I beg to disagree."
You can beg all you want but the judge won't give you quarters.
Rather, take it from Associate Justice Sonya Sotomayor.
Say...


There you go.