News

News is not when a dog bites a man. News is when a man bites a dog. It's the classic definition.

***

The Reproductive Health Bill should have been passed but Speaker Prospero Nograles and his prostitutes in Congress went orgasmic, fucked up the bill good, and pissed all over it like some wild genitalia. Truth be told, it could have been a quantum leap for butt-sex technology. It lets people feel the slosh rip through their ass like warm cushion pins without remorse. People will get laid without getting pregnant. It's a trendy way to not propagate your genes when jailbait is not the cob for your lonely corn. Besides, when you have raging hormones, you goddamn better stick a rubber on your ducky. It's the most practical and useful thing since the invention of the wheel. But since the bigots in Congress won, we're officially back to the middle ages.

That's enough bad news for your emaciated genitals.

***

In Pampanga, an Einstein is on the loose. I'm no genius but, Holy Christ on a tortilla, Mark Lapid does not know how to fucking count! His brain must have shrunk so great you might mistake the thing for a tumor wanting to be plucked out of its misery. Any takers? I know that kids say the craziest things, but when an adult says something so insane that it causes undue stress to our balls, you can hardly deny that someone who exceeds severe retardation is a failure to the human race. But at least he's famous for this:

"Oo, inaamin ko, saging lang kami. Pero maghanap ka ng puno, sa buong Pilipinas saging lang ang may puso!"
[Mark Lapid in a nondescript film which is bad enough. Add a nondescript storyline and you've got the perfect reason to commit harakiri.]

In the end, though, his banana got him Tanya Garcia. How do you explain that shit?



***

Monday: Sunny. Very high temperature, nay, too smokin' hot for a thermometer.
Tuesday: Dry as the Gobi. Cracks will appear bigger than usual; rehydrate.
Wednesday: Extremely wet.
Thursday: Windy, with occasional moist breeze that will smell not quite familiar.
Friday: Perky.

No, that's not the weather forecast. That's how your butt will be for the next 5 days.