Florida is Fucked

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Florida is fucked. The Sunshine state has a strange history of stretching the imagination to great lengths. It has, or used to have, laws that fine women for falling asleep under a hair dryer. Also, men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown. Strangely enough, the government also prohibits singing in a public place while wearing a swimsuit. It is also illegal to fart in a public place after 6 p.m., which means you gotta get your gas going before dusk.

There's another Florida state law that still bothers me. It is this: having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.

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If you think the State of Florida is fucked, wait until you hear what its cities have to proscribe.

In Daytona Beach, the molestation of trash cans is banned. Also, owning a flower pot with water in it that isn’t capable of draining is considered a public nuisance. In Big Pine Key, it is illegal to molest a Key deer. And in Key West, chickens are considered a ‘protected species’.

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Well, it's not only Florida that's nuts. The rest of America is.

In Washington, it is illegal to use X-rays to fit shoes and to pretend that one’s parents are rich. Also, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.

In West Virginia, whistling underwater is prohibited. On the other hand, it is perfectly legal for a male to have sex with an animal as long as it does not exceed 40 pounds.

In Wisconsin, livestock have the right-of-way on public roads. [Now we know why the chicken crossed the road. Because it has the right-of-way on public roads, bitch!]

In Wyoming, you may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit.

In Marion, Oregon, it is prohibited to eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street.

In Pennsylvania, you may not sing in the bathtub. You are also not allowed to catch a fish with your hands or any body part except the mouth. In Allentown, Pennsylvania, there is a ban on men becoming aroused in public.

In Providence, Rhode Island, you may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday.

In Utah, no one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call.

In New York, if you're lucky enough to live, the penalty for jumping off a building is death.

In North Carolina, it’s against the law to sing off key and to have sex in a churchyard.

In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk.

In Oklahoma, it is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo. Also, the State will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another’s hamburger.

In South Berwick, Maine, it is illegal to park in front of Dunkin' Donuts.

In Baltimore, Maryland, it’s illegal to take a lion to the movies.

In Minnesota, a person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head. Also, citizens may not enter Wisconsin with a chicken on their head.

In Omaha, Nebraska, a man is not allowed to run around with a shaved chest.

In Illinois, one may not pee in his neighbor’s mouth, eat in a place that is on fire, and attempt to have sex with one’s dog.

Indiana State legislature once proposed that the value of Pi is 3. The bill was postponed in the Senate, and so remains as it is today.

In Louisiana, biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault”.

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