When Melancholy Hits

What I learned today:

Law Students v. Melancholy, 456 SCRATCH 123 (2010)

Be a nerd and digest this shit.

Nerds

Irish

What I learned today in Constitutional Law 2:

Step aside bitch. You don't want to get in the way of Mr. Massive Testicles.

You Can't

What I learned today in Obligations and Contracts:

I can't. The junk must be inside the trunk.

Convection

What is convection?

The ever-reliable Wikipedia defines convection as:

[T]he movement of molecules within fluids (i.e. liquids, gases and rheids). It cannot take place in solids, since neither bulk current flows or significant diffusion can take place in solids.

That didn't really help much, did it? The fuck do we care about "rheids" anyway. So what really is convection?

I was about to surrender. But then, there was a sudden eureka moment. It was a complete enlightenment, a Renaissance if you will, that it almost felt like giving birth to an adult Leonardo da Vinci through your surrogate ass. Somebody in Facebook just defined convection.


No wonder I fail most of the time—I don't do things with convection. Praise God, and Mark Zuckerberg, for Facebook. From now on, I will always move molecules within fluids.

Found It

What I learned today in Obligations and Contracts:



"Nemo, that gonad, now have it!" [sic]

Ah, gonads. You know your testicles are toast when they begin to look like a clown fish.

Chris and Miranda

When Chris Rock met Miranda Rights:









One more shit learned.

News

News is not when a dog bites a man. News is when a man bites a dog. It's the classic definition.

***

The Reproductive Health Bill should have been passed but Speaker Prospero Nograles and his prostitutes in Congress went orgasmic, fucked up the bill good, and pissed all over it like some wild genitalia. Truth be told, it could have been a quantum leap for butt-sex technology. It lets people feel the slosh rip through their ass like warm cushion pins without remorse. People will get laid without getting pregnant. It's a trendy way to not propagate your genes when jailbait is not the cob for your lonely corn. Besides, when you have raging hormones, you goddamn better stick a rubber on your ducky. It's the most practical and useful thing since the invention of the wheel. But since the bigots in Congress won, we're officially back to the middle ages.

That's enough bad news for your emaciated genitals.

***

In Pampanga, an Einstein is on the loose. I'm no genius but, Holy Christ on a tortilla, Mark Lapid does not know how to fucking count! His brain must have shrunk so great you might mistake the thing for a tumor wanting to be plucked out of its misery. Any takers? I know that kids say the craziest things, but when an adult says something so insane that it causes undue stress to our balls, you can hardly deny that someone who exceeds severe retardation is a failure to the human race. But at least he's famous for this:

"Oo, inaamin ko, saging lang kami. Pero maghanap ka ng puno, sa buong Pilipinas saging lang ang may puso!"
[Mark Lapid in a nondescript film which is bad enough. Add a nondescript storyline and you've got the perfect reason to commit harakiri.]

In the end, though, his banana got him Tanya Garcia. How do you explain that shit?



***

Monday: Sunny. Very high temperature, nay, too smokin' hot for a thermometer.
Tuesday: Dry as the Gobi. Cracks will appear bigger than usual; rehydrate.
Wednesday: Extremely wet.
Thursday: Windy, with occasional moist breeze that will smell not quite familiar.
Friday: Perky.

No, that's not the weather forecast. That's how your butt will be for the next 5 days.

Shit Bricks

Bricks. Thee shall shit them.

Crease

What I learned today in Legal Theory:

The professor has a challenge to his associates.

Meanwhile, Homer almost had the same thing in mind.

Somebody Summoned Him

Ladies and gentleman, the long wait is over...

...the village idiot has finally arrived. He walks like a centipede with 98 legs missing but he is not retarded. At least not yet. If you want to talk to him, bring a calculator; it will be a nerd fest.

Google This

What I learned today in Obligations and Contracts:

The professor was on high spirits as he discussed parts of the Roman law. I saw it in the way he seized every utterance with passion. Besides, he kept on insisting you Google this and you Google that, as if he was trying to lead us to something that could make us pick our jaws from the floor. I remember he said, among others, you Google Tribonian and see what comes up.

So, I did.

And I went...

It's...

Well, what do you know?

It's On!

What I learned today:

Because campaign season in law school has officially begun, it's about time that the candidates be put under a new [s]election system. The traditional way of voting—which is as prehistoric as the dinosaur paleontologists call "John McCain"—sucks.

In the interest of the student body, changes should be made. We need to find out who is made of steel and who simply wants a longer resume. We need to find out who has firm balls and who is just another invertebrate. We need someone who can castrate the law school boss using both hands, skinning his precious nuts like dressed chicken, and having them photocopied in Blessings. Besides, we need someone who is not afraid to tell him upfront that he should grow some hair. I mean, c'mon, bald? You're no gangsta. Your head only reminds me of Humpty Dumpty; I can't help but want to crack it open.

And because we want to know if they're just a bunch of nerds who enrolled in law school because the college library is the closest to heaven they can possibly get, we need to exile all the candidates in a house for not more than a month while we watch them on live TV. They'll put on a show for us, and we'll call it...

Hundreds of student-viewers. A bunch of Law Student Government candidates. One house. It's on, bitches!

Diva

What I learned today in Legal Profession:

Because she ♥ the judiciary, she won't attend a court hearing wearing a miniskirt. That device makes her feel like a diva when she wears it. It might also give her undue advantage since—let's face the truth—she's got more juice than a bowl of Quaker Oats. She may be Santa's naughty little girl, zealously searching for "child pornography" in Google University when nobody is around, but this lady knows her legal ethics. Before she wears her favorite slacks, she first files a petition to wear them. She has to. It has to be written in SCRA. Besides, the judge is smart enough not to put his balls in clear and present danger. Deny her and he'll soon be writing every ponencia with his testicles.

Ninja?

Dear Blockmate,

Valentine's nga naman. Akala ko saging lang ang may puso.

Now What?

So, you passed the Law Aptitude Exam. You already have your golden ticket with you after dueling it out with questions that do not make sense, which is why some or most of them, if not all of them, are rammed altogether under abstract reasoning; the circles and squares and triangles look so familiar it's practically ridiculous to try to figure them out just by staring at them. You're now out of the frying pan and straight into this extant universe they call law school, a very random place where weird organisms traipse the hallways like men and women all dressed-up and nowhere to go but the classroom. In other words, you're about to enter unfamiliar territory still with your diapers on.

Now what?

Anyway, pardon me for my French but...

Magic

What I learned today in Constitutional Law 2:

If you have two computers and a decent internet connection, the full glory of Hairy Potter's butt is just a few clicks away. The wizard's round ass will smear your monitor like no magic has ever done before.

Hogwarts.

Pimp It

What I learned today in Obligations and Contracts:

You know you can't be wrong in saying that the 1950s is an era to remember...


...when you still can't get over the Toyota Toyopet even after 60 years. It's just like remembering your very first menstruation and wondering why you have to smile as you still figure out the possibility of bleeding when you don't even have a vagina in the first place.

Why I Can't Sleep

What I learned today:


Because I just can't suck it up.

Moses

What I learned today in Obligations and Contracts:

We talked about why Paris used to be the city of lights, and why Nikola Tesla was dying to coil Thomas Edison's ass way up his head and have it patented as the light bulb. Or he could have simply put Edison's head between his butt cheeks and give the invention a fancy name, like "the assimilator," an ass that sucks in solid matter within striking range.

I remember now that the professor also likes to talk about history and religion. On a Thursday, he can talk about religion all the way to kingdom come. On a Wednesday, he can talk about history more than anything else. But on a Tuesday, he does both.

For three seconds, he was Moses.


Lesson learned.

O.C.

What I learned today in Legal Profession:

I've said it before and I'll say it again: my professor is the shiz. One time, she yelled at a phone operator. She could have chosen to cut his balls in half and feed them to his bank manager for lunch but she's smart enough not to stain her Louis Vuitton. Give her your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free and she'll piss on them.

She's an OC. For spending a lot of time arranging the books in the library, she forgot to marry. Put a thousand OC's like her along EDSA and they'd probably wipe the highway clean.

Lesson learned.

4,381 Years

What I learned today:

Alien Territory

What I learned today:

I was there, trapped, like Conan O'Brien suddenly finding himself warped inside Jay Leno's massive womb—and he's not even a woman! The place was a no-man's land. Unfamiliar things hung everywhere I could almost taste each one. I did not dare lay a finger on any of the artifacts. They were evidence of a civilization so complex I'd be wiping my brains off the wall just by touching them.

You know you're there when these unexplained species called "women" suddenly turn nuts after hearing the magic word—sale.


There's this rumor that a wise guy named God created Adam and Eve in a garden. But this Garden of Eden you will also likely find Steve.

I'm not Steve. He is.

Jurassic Fail

Click image to smell better

Give a Man Php400...

...and he will buy this:


Because you'll never know when you'll crap a piece of turd in the middle of nowhere.

The International Best-Seller with Over 1 Million Copies in Print. 2nd Edition Revised. Maybe the 1st edition got it wrong.

Can They?

What I learned today in Obligations and Contracts:

Time: 12:45 p.m.
Location: Classroom.

Can 3 people prolong everybody's agony in class—which was supposed to have ended 45 minutes ago—by throwing questions and answers that have nothing to do with lunch?






















Well, apparently...






























Another lesson learned.

Update:

NaNO3 is God

What I learned today in Obligations and Contracts:

The professor is right. Sodium nitrate is in everything that we eat. God must have been so jealous he finally decided to appear on your morning burrito.

Avoiding sodium nitrate is practically retarded. If you do try to avoid it, you'll die of anorexia—an eating disorder that will make you look like you've had too much liposuction for lunch and you still want one for dessert.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to my banana garden and caress my plants.

Just Do It

What I learned today in Legal Profession:

Of course, lawyers need good manners. Surely, they need to be taught the right ways of saying and doing things apropos to legal proceedings. But sometimes judicial ethics can be so boring your ass will grow wrinkles just by trying to figure them out. Just look at the size of those wrinkles on this ass.

Thus, to save the population of attorneys from turning into globules of flesh hanging on to dear life from the rear, it's high time to teach them how to be bona fide lawyers.

When threatened with a lawsuit, don't say
"Sue me and I'll see you in court."
C'mon, that's like saying Homer Simpson wants a vagina for a dick. Rather, say
"You bet your goddamn ass I'll nail my motion to quash up your skinny posterior."

When raising an objection, don't say
"Objection your honor."
That's definitely for people who'd love to screw a tampon between their butt cheeks. Rather, say
"Your honor, what the fuck is that shit?!"

When challenging the evidence of your opponent, don't say
"That document is fabricated."
Bitch a court hearing is no time for laundry. Rather, say
"That document is so fuckin' beautiful I swear I'd smear my ass all over it."

When trying to intimidate your opponent, don't say
"Give up or lose."
That's retarded shit. Rather, say
"I'm going to roll up your ass like toilet paper and smoke it like cigars."

When cross-examining the witness to a rape case, don't ask
"How would you have felt if you were the victim?"
That's also retarded shit. Rather, ask
"How'd you like Marry Poppins shoot out of your orifice horizontally?"

When disagreeing with the opposing counsel, don't say
"I beg to disagree."
You can beg all you want but the judge won't give you quarters.
Rather, take it from Associate Justice Sonya Sotomayor.
Say...


There you go.