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This is what we [sometimes] do in Legal Theory:

[Click image for larger size, bitch]

Shit List

What I learned today:

Because the word "shit" has become a very functional word, it's about time to give it the attention it needs. Reposting several [edited] parts of the Shit List taken from the Urban Dictionary.

The Ghost Shit
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the bowl.

The Wet Shit
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end up putting toilet paper between your ass cheeks and your underwear so you don't ruin them.

The Brain Hemorrahage Through Your Nose Shit
Also known as "Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit". You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and practically have a stroke.

The Corn Shit
No explanations necessary.

The "Gee, I Really Wish I Could Shit" Shit
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.

The Crowd Pleaser
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

The Groaner
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

The Peek-A-Boo Shit
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with you.

The Snake Charmer
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

The Spinal Tap Shit
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got to be coming out sideways.

So, which shit are you?

Fried Day

What I learned today in Legal Theory and Constitutional Law 2:

Christ on a cracker, who would have thought that a chief justice would also like kinky sex? After all, being in the court for some time—like, what, 40 fucking years?—you've got to wonder if he still recognizes a good boner whenever he gets one. One unsolicited advice, though. If it's a curve, he goddamn better stick his junk in there before his ass is grass. Besides, them balls won't just suck themselves.

Later, I learned in my constitutional law class that your professor can own your ass and mercilessly mow it like fecal matter on your lawn. In other words, you can become a totally retarded shit for the longest 30 seconds of your life just by giving all the wrong answers. If you think that's retarded enough, try answering real slow—as in 8kbps.

He Watches Her

What I learned today in Obligations and Contracts:

Yes, he watches her films.

Another lesson learned.

Ironies

What I learned today in Constitutional Law 2:

The professor can know and not know at the same time.

He perfectly knows that the average internet connection speed of a typical Korean is 22 Mbps. Sadly, however, he does not know who Jake Cuenca is. In fact, he knows that you can practically download heaven just by using 22 Mbps while sticking that USB up his ass because down there there's plenty of room for everybody. But despite that, he still does not know who Jake Cuenca is. Lord Jesus, forgive the man for he does not know what he is doing, especially with that USB.

Ladies and gentleman, the conclusion is inescapable. The professor must have been living under a massive igneous rock, thinking all the while that his neighbor is a jealous homo erectus. I bet his concept of civilization is a nut cracker.

For all intents and purposes, this is not Jake Cuenca. Nope, he certainly does not look like him.

Because the real Jake Cuenca has lips more rouge than this.

Another lesson learned.

Another Emo Day

What I learned today:

It's official. Today is "Another EMO Day".

Spotted in a sari-sari store somewhere in Katipunan, QC: a girl about to celebrate.

Tindera: Ano sa'yo iha?
Babae: Ate may blade kayo?


So that there will be no more need to cry alone in a corner and bitch about how you so want to hide your tears with your bangs, especially after posting on Facebook how much you want to cut yourself and realizing that everybody fuckin' clicked the "like" button, Congress should pass a law requiring a National Emo Convention at least once a month. Each attendee shall wrap himself with a scarf while listening to My Chemical Romance and shall never wonder why they have to do so because nobody fuckin' understands them anyway. Everybody will cut themselves on the wrist all at the same time because self-inflicted pain is the new Hannah Montana.

Nietzsche

What I learned today in law school:

Below is an image I took a couple of months back. It's a list of items lost and found in the college building. The list was posted on the bulletin board for about two weeks. Each time I see it, I get the strangest feeling that someone somewhere isn't as alive as he was before.


Well, you know what Nietzsche says. What does not kill you will only make you stronger. But apparently, somebody took it quite literally.

Poets

People are sometimes funny as hell. On several occasions, they are crazy they make you laugh and cry at the same time. But more to just being plain crazy or funny, some go to greater lengths and turn themselves into poets, like an ugly worm undergoing metamorphosis and turning into, well, a beautiful worm. Consider these riveting examples:

“BE MINE….AND MINE ALONE, and I WILL BE YOURS AND YOURS ALONE! I LOVE YOU FOREVER, I LOVE YOU FOR ALWAYS. AS LONG AS I’M LIVING MY TWEETIE YOU’LL BE!” - the unparalleled poetic remarks of Noli Eala [which sounded like a eulogy] as he tried a different kind of ballgame while Michael Learns to Rock's "25 Minutes Too Late" played in the background. [Guevarra v. Eala]

Mr. Castillo says "NOTHING BUT MUTUAL LUST AND DESIRE." The Court says, back the fuck up bitch—or something to that effect—it's "SEXUAL CONGRESS!". Apparently, the porn encyclopedia just earned two more phrases. This is why reading cases is hot. [Zaguirre v. Castillo]

Mr. Tapucar bemoans that “I have been ordered suspended by Supreme Court for two months without pay in 1980 for having a mistress, the same girl Ms. Elena Peña, now my wife [or so he thought -splice]. Being ordered separated in a later administrative case constitutes double jeopardy. IF NOW DISBARRED FOR MARRYING MS. ELENA PEÑA WILL CONSTITUE TRIPLE JEOPARDY, IF THAT'S THE LAW, SO BE IT!” Then he was shot on the head. Three times using the same bullet. Nah, I invented that last part. But I say, on this side of the world, we love martyrs. In fact, one was shot in Luneta. [Tapucar v. Tapucar]

Rejoice, thou Shakespeare, for thy days are numbered. Thou have some serious competition biatch.

Big Reveal

What I learned today on a Saturday:

Life is short. Ignorance does not pay. It turns out there are many things in life that we all need to know. We need to know why Kuya Germs doesn't give a shit about sleep. We need to know why people with vaginas are called women. We even need to know why MC Hammer just won't let us touch it. And because we love democracy, we have to ask the most compelling question of the day. Is Manny Villar hiding anything from us, anything at all, apart from that part of his body where the sun never shines?

I think it's about time for Manny Villar to finally reveal his biggest secret.


Yes. The guy is the long-lost fourth member of Gwapings. To be long-lost is understandable. But to be the fourth member of Gwapings is something else. There's not enough vanity in this world that he can't handle.

The guy is practically everywhere. He's on noontime TV shows, newspapers, billboards, Facebook, YouTube, and YouPorn. Well, not yet. Jesus, I'd be surprised if he isn't in my toilet bowl while I shit solid bananas.


No, not even here.

None

What I learned today:

None. I'm clueless, like a misplaced genital wondering why it had to have a complete asshole for a neighbor.

I missed two things this afternoon. One, the class discussion for the day. And two, the professor wanting to:

(1) Ask the NHI to choose one of his fingers,
(2) And bitch-slap them with the Constitution thereafter.

If I was the NHI, I would choose all of his fingers, shove them straight up his ass, and say,

How do you like me now, bitch?

But of course, I decided to let this day pass. Besides, I'm not the NHI.

***

Here's a few moments of silence for the victims in Haiti...




























and of course...

for Lito Lapid. He's too Kusher.

Bad Ass

What I learned today in Obligations and Contracts:

Once upon a time, a wise man once said that there are three kinds of people—those who know how to count, and those who obviously can't. Apparently, it took more than two centuries and one Asian to help us understand why.















Here it is:

































Ladies and gentlemen, we have an Einstein-in-the-making. I bet no writ of mandamus can save us now.

One bad ass lesson learned.

Rivalry

What I learned today:

If you're competing against TV cartoons for your grandson's attention, you might as well just forget about it. You will lose, or you will really have to fight it tooth and nail...



















...and still lose.















Of course, that's unless you know what people say—if you can't beat the crap out of them...









































...then join the friggin' parteh! :D

So similar they're practically the same banana.

Lesson learned.

Power of the Comma

What I learned today in Obligations and Contracts:

Today, we talked about the power of punctuation marks. If a misreading of one comma in the Civil Code can confuse your professor, you can just imagine the tragedy that four commas in a single provision can do. To illustrate, he was so confused he preferred to talk about Sesame Street instead.

Apparently, Big Bird had very few choices in life, and this is not even one of them.

Ah, the joy of law school. Another lesson learned.

Hardcore

What I learned today in Legal Profession:

My professor is the shiz. Her diet includes eating a bucket of lawyers for breakfast, only to spit and reserve their ligaments for lunch. Nothing is tastier, except for a warm burrito.

When she was young, she would amuse herself by playing her cassette tape overnight, probably rewinding the thing each time by hand. She must be the first emo ever to be published in SCRA. Maybe she must have been so busy being emo during her teens she never had enough time to grow her bangs. Just maybe.

Lately, she prison-hops for leisure. On a good day, she gets to free 4 inmates out of prison. She's so hardcore even Chuck Norris volunteered to be her bitch.

Good times. Another lesson learned.

Late Sunday Night Countdown (vol. 1)

Top 5 Law School Quotes.

5) Magbiro ka na sa lasing, huwag lang sa bagong dean.

4) Huli man at magaling, singko pa rin.

3) Pagkahaba-haba man ng prusisyon, sa finals din ang tuloy.

2) Matalino man ang matsing, may magic notes din.

1) Ang taong gipit, sa digest kumakapit.

Splice's Sunday image.

The Long Wait

What I learned today on a Saturday:

The impossible but very good and fantastic Ven Tori ("you-know-who" or "she-who-must-not-be-named") finally released our grades for her class. It took her almost 3 months just to find a random number from 1 to 5. It's a sign that she badly needs a man's touch.

But other than that, it felt magical, like having an orgasm already due and demandable since the end of the semester. It almost felt as if I've waited long and hard for something soft and warm to gracefully fall down a lonely toilet bowl. And before you know it—plok!—it's already there like a pleasant little surprise. The shit is finally over.

Another lesson learned.

Mantra

What I learned today in Legal Theory:

There were several things that the professor thoroughly discussed, except that this one is so golden people should start making this as their personal mantra—the quality of a blowjob depends on the size of the fee.

There you go. Let it sink in. For those feigning innocence, repeat after me. The quality of a blowjob depends on the size of the fee. The quality of a blowjob depends on the size of the fee. Repeat every 5 minutes or as often as desired.

You may also want to try feet in place of fee. It makes perfect sense.

But I think the professor would have been more correct if he said that the quality of a blowjob depends, too, on the size of the feenis.

Just another day in law school. Another lesson learned.

Assorted Shit

What I learned today in Obligations and Contracts:

1) You cannot just bulldoze squatters away, even if your father, Mr. Fernando, named you Bayani. It's the surest path to not being a hero.

2) Japanese war notes are an arsonist's best friend. They are excellent for kindling fire, among others.

3) In 1961, a house stood right smack in the middle of Quezon Avenue. The drivers, who were so alive back then, weren't so thrilled. Some of them are now dead. But as fate would have it, some others were strong enough to live and tell the tale, preferably in law school.

4) And finally, farmers are not only fine smokers. They are also the best economists. They roll their tobacco on "Grade 1" paper. Maybe "Grade 2" paper does not taste as good.

***

Overheard somewhere in the college building.

Classmate 1: (Sees Classmate 2 approaching) Hey, where are you going? Don't we have a class for Criminal Law 2 later?

Classmate 2: No, our professor won't be holding class today.

Classmate 1: Really? Why is that?

Classmate 2: Why, do I look like someone who will cut classes?

And I said to myself, Jesus, I'd do anything to look just like you.

Another lesson learned.

Basketball Sans Kung Fu Shoes and Corduroy Pants

What I learned today in Law School:

Playing basketball on hardwood feels good, especially if you're not wearing your Kung Fu shoes and tight-ass corduroy pants. Long story short, I wore my teammate's sneakers and shorts during the game.

No, he did not have to endure sprinting back and forth the court naked so that I may be spared from the same fate. He brought another pair. I cannot begin to imagine having that remote part of my body where the sun never shines dangle from left to right, or to and fro (whichever way they put it these days), while refusing to cower down all the while—and still be able to find myself leaving the court with dignity intact. Neither can I imagine others having their unfettered display of, well, boldness. But let's not even go there any further. That's stretching the imagination far enough.

I can't wait to play with the faculty this coming Sunday. I'm talking about having a convenient excuse to see some people in crutches on Monday. No mercy. Yes, my shit is bananas. Mwahahaha...

Another lesson learned.

The Breadfruit

What I learned today in Obligations and Contracts:

There is such a thing as breadfruit, a close cousin of the jackfruit. For two hours I thought and felt I was in the wrong class, which was a Botany class. The discussion went far, far enough to tackle the components of a good fertilizer. I was waiting for the kind professor to talk more about the breadfruit. I was not disappointed.

Here's a good look at a breadfruit. It really is a fruit. It does not look like bread to me, but what the hell.

Another lesson learned.